No Happy Ending

Remember when I said that if you get a bad massage it's your own fault? I told you that you need to talk to your therapist and tell them "firmer" or "lighter", whichever you need. I just couldn't fathom getting a bad massage.

I just got a bad massage.

As a former therapist I know a few rules, always move toward the heart, never pinch, cut your nails, don't move the muscle toward the bone. At the spa chain I just visited, I was assigned a 5Ft Nuthin therapist. Massage taught me that tiny ladies usually like deeper massage and big folks like more gentle relaxation.

I asked for a simple swedish, which should just consist of something called effleurage (basically the long stroke rubbing, not going deep into the muscle). We discussed what I wanted, how deep I wanted it, where, etc...

This therapist moved around my body in an odd way, didn't do any effleurage. None. Zero. She was all about DEEP and not any type of deep tissue method I'd learned. She utilized a technique that seemed more "Poke, pinch and jiggle" I know how to say "lighter, or heavier" but I don't know how to say "WTF are you doing??" or "Dude, a toddler gives a better massage". So I suffered through it. As she was working on pinching my calves, yes pinching (and she her nails were digging into me a little, and I'm checking for bruises now) I was reminded of last June, when I spent 4 hours in a dental chair with a non-novacained nerve that later turned into a root-canal. If a massage reminds you of that kind of dentist pain, it's clearly a bad massage.

After the therapist poked and prodded at my neck at the end of the torture, she then tried to sell me on scheduling more or maybe getting the annual membership. Even if she'd been a good rub-er, at the end of the massage you should gently say "We're done, take your time, I'll be in the lobby with water..."

I have probably given some bad massages in my day, but I whole-heartedly believe none of them were this awful. I never pinched and always effleuraged (I made a word:) ) I once knew a therapist who's technique and demeanor was so perfect for me! Sadly, she left the state. The therapist that got away. Now I need to find someone who won't make me worse when all I want is to relax.

I'm busy being delicious

If you've spent any time with me what-so-ever, you are aware that I am both attracted to and repelled by sugar. My mother was an amazing baker of cookies, pies, cakes and all things that mix flour, sugar and fat. (She also has a huge garden with lots of fresh produce, but I like sugar better.) So baked goods represent family and love and comfort. BUTT sugar also makes me cranky, zitty and tubby.

Now on Fierce and Nerdy - Read all about the Sugar Clique at my office and my struggle for power of the monkey on my back that is made entirely of marzipan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy being delicious

Book' em Danno

Hey babies,

Oooooh yeah, I watched some WKRP in Cincinnati weekend. I do miss Venus Fly-Trap and Andy's male camel toe. But that's not all the news that's fit to print.

I've got another article up on FierceAndNerdy.com today (my Blogumn - Tall Drink of Nerd). It's kind of about trying to buy a book at the airport. I know you've been there, maybe in Cincinnati!

Smootches

Sunday

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get anything done this afternoon. I am supposed to be writing something for FierceAndNerdy.com, but I'm feeling hella lazy and procrastinating.

I'm sleepy because I woke up at 7:00ish this morning smelling smoke and wondering if the house was on fire. Sean and I wandered around inside and outside our house, in our robes, looking for flame or any other indication of fire until I thought of maybe turning on the TV to see if any hillsides were smokin'. Sure enough, Tujunga was on fire. The winds were strong and blowing the smoke and ash east towards us in a very powerful way.

We were up for good and very shortly full of delicious Sean-made french toasts. Time had come to plant veggies. Now the earth that we(I) have to plant in is hard, clay, difficult to hoe and/or dig in. So I wasted water to muddy the strip of land to diggable standards and now have planted 2 tomato plants (Roma and Beefsteak), one strawberry plant, 6 celery, 6 onion and one rosemary bushshrub. Also trying my hand at basil in a container again, but don't have high hopes as I've already murdered about 1/2 dozen of those over the past 5 years.

I'm also sleepy because it's moderately chilly outside and it's very quiet inside. Only the occasional noise of crystal windchimes on the patio or a plane flying very high above breaks the silence. The cats are scattered around the guest room in various states of repose. Munchy is snoring on her pillow in the sunshine, KoE and Lingers are vying for a spot on the afghan that covers the lower half of the bed. After a hella stressful week, I do believe I'll procrastinate my blogumn for a few more hours, grab the fantastic book I'm reading and tuck myself between kitties for a well deserved break from work-type-stuffs.